The timing was awful, due to William was on a business trip, so I had to wait before I could tell him. He called Friday, and asked, and I told him. He too was really bummed about it as well, of course.
I also really thought I would of posted a blog on Friday as well, share the news...I totally did not feel like it, in fact I wanted to avoid the whole thing. There is a part of me that gets really tired of explaining the whole thing and what happens next. It's the question of Why? That drives me crazy. William asked me why? My mum asked me why?
Why, does "why" drive me crazy? Probably because it is the first question that pops in your head, you start questioning everything. Do I have the right clinic?, the right donor?, the right surrogate? Sould I have gone for two surrogates? All these things float around your brain, while you try to move on to other things. Hope again that next time it will work. Stuff like that
I must admit, Anjani was sweet, and showered me in math to make me feel better. It must be hard to be the bearer of lousy news. So now we are preparing for the next try. We have another 30-40 days to get to the point to wait for another two weeks! Yikes, it's enough to drive you crazy. But we are ready for it
Oh Lea, I am so sorry! It's heartbreaking but you will get your BFP!!!! You guys are in my thoughts!
ReplyDeleteSo sorry to hear your news, I have been anxiously checking your blog for updates and this is really sad. I know what you mean about the explaining, its just so hard, when you dont even get it yourself, to explain it to people again,. But you know we dont need it explaining, we know the pain and heartache that no statistics can resolve, we know the anxieties and the grief. But we are a resilient bunch and you are so brave and the strength will keep you going to get that BFP! Did you have any frosties from the original 14 embies or are you starting again with new donor? X
ReplyDeleteLea & William,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that you are grieving through this time. I know how difficult it is to wrap our thoughts and emotions around the fact that your first attempt fell through when you were so positive and hopeful that the first attempt would be a BFP. And then having to constantly inform all those who ask what the results are, and then the why?
Taking time to step away from the sad news and dealing with your emotions is completely normal. It took us two and a half weeks to tell our family and friends. We are now nearing the end of our six week wait till our second go at it. The waiting time in between is hard. However it allows us to go through the wave of emotions ( hurt, anger and fear). During this time try to lean on all of us that are in this circle of surrogacy, it will help, I promise. The questions you're asking yourself are completely normal. I went through the same thing myself. Kevin and I were going back and forth on the idea to try two surrogates the next time around. No one knows the right choice. Even down to the egg donor or our first surrogate? All we do know is to listen to our thoughts and hearts when the second time approaches. For that is what brought us here in the first place.
When the timing is near for your second cycle to begin, you will feel the waves of excitement, nervousness and hope all there waiting for you both.
Until then, please remember we are here for you both. Please let us know if you want to talk, or just need a sounding board. We will keep you in our thoughts and prayer.