As the Days go By...

Twiddling my thumbs and wishing away April, so that we can get back on track of trying again. I really hate wishing my life away, but I am overly excited to start again. Considering I am all about count downs, I just figured that if we are successful this time, our baby will not be born until 2013.  So no babies for this year…

My biggest wish is to hopefully become a mum before my next birthday, which is at the end of January!

This is just a short blog to touch base and to thank everyone who left me comments with warm wishes and support.  It really made a difference in my life…So Thank You.

First Act, Scence 1...BFN

I am sure you have guessed that it was going to be a no...Due to if it was a yes, I would of posted sooner and been jumping around with joy. I found out on Thursday that the test came back negative. It kind of stopped my day and I kind of wandered around saying I can't believe we fell on the first hurdle! So I guess my glass does have a crack in it!

The timing was awful, due to William was on a business trip, so I had to wait before I could tell him.  He called Friday, and asked, and I told him. He too was really bummed about it as well, of course.

 I also really thought I would of posted a blog on Friday as well, share the news...I totally did not feel like it, in fact I wanted to avoid the whole thing. There is a part of me that gets really tired of explaining the whole thing and what happens next. It's the question of Why? That drives me crazy. William asked me why? My mum asked me why?
Why, does "why" drive me crazy? Probably because it is the first question that pops in your head, you start questioning everything. Do I have the right clinic?, the right donor?, the right surrogate? Sould I have gone for two surrogates? All these things float around your brain, while you try  to move on to other things. Hope again that next time it will work. Stuff like that

I must admit, Anjani was sweet, and showered me in math to make me feel better. It must be hard to be the bearer of lousy news. So now we are preparing for the next try. We have another 30-40 days to get to the point to wait for another two weeks! Yikes, it's enough to drive you crazy. But we are ready for it

Paris and waiting Still!

Just got back from Paris after watching the Rugby game of England vs. France. Happy to say England won! It was great being away and not thinking about time lines, babies, clinics, and everything else that clogs the brain.

I stayed away from the inter-webs, and my email account so that I would not obsessive while in Paris. Which I must say was great to do. It was also nice to re-connect with William and be a normal couple tooling around Paris.

However... I'm back! I was totally hoping I would have had an email in the old account telling me some news, but all I got was amazon trying to sell me stuff instead.

Now is this good news? Bad news? How does one take no news? I am actually going to take  "no news" as good news...Which is a new spin for me, due to I am totally the person who likes to think the glass is half full and my glass also happens to have a crack in it... Okay, I am not that much of a cynic, but its always a good way to try to keep my hopes and fears in check.

Now your probably asking why don't you just email or call Anjani? Well I could and probably should but for some strange reason I want to wait. I want to get that email first. I also told myself that I could wait, and wait, and wait...well, until about Saturday. Then I will make contact. Because by then I know I will feel that it is now bad news and I will need confirmation.

Wishing us all warm luck and good news!

While we wait... Let's Freak Out

Well we have a week left to find out if our surrogate will be successful and pregnant. It is the first bench mark of many and we are really nervous about everything.

So what does one do when your waiting for the news?... Well if your like us, you have a good old fashion argument. It's a real time killer and can make your emotions go all over the place. It just makes the weekend fly by.

We're all fine now, and the argument was stupid and pointless however it came from fears that are lurking in our brains. We figured out that we are:

1. Scared that we will be disappointed ...AGAIN
2. Scared that we will be successful and off to our next bench mark
3. Scared that we could become parents
4. Scared of all the responsibility that babies entail
5. Scared that it is different than having children the old fashioned way?
6. William was worried that we would be too old. (I did not agree, due to my gran had my mum when she was 45)

How's that for a mind think!

I think you can get so wrapped up on the process and if you are a little like me; your emotions are slow to follow. I have to say if it wasn’t for this blog, to help express how I feel, I would probably be bonkers by now. In fact William is getting out his notebook and is going to share as well on this blog very soon.

We decided last night that we know we are in good hands and we must let nature take its course. We also know that we are very lucky to have this choice in our lives, it is an incredible opportunity to achieve such a dream. We understand that this is not the end and we can handle the future.

I know we will be good parents; we really want this child and want to provide it the best life possible. I am also going to buy every book on Amazon about babies and make sure my mum is there on that happy day in the future, to cover all bases.

Also I think I am at the best age ever to raise a baby!

12 Real Long Days to go...

The results are in and I am happy to say we have 19 happy eggs! From there we got  14 embryos which is fantastic and amazing! Anjani gave us the low down in regards to the quality of the embryos.

We got six grade A's, four B's, three C's and a D. It reads like a report card. Not my report card however, I was more a C+- B student with the occasional A. However I think really good. William and I are both pleased and got really excited all over again.

I can't believe we are at the first hurdle, it has made my mind freeze and race all at once! All I can think is wow and here we go! knowing I will probably have the longest 12 days in history to wait to see if the embryos stuck!

I remember when William and I waited during that time when we did IVF, the wait after implantation drove us mad. In fact we use to cheat and buy "clear blue easy" sticks to see if we could beat nature and find something out sooner. We bought those pregnancy sticks in bulk and used them twice a day until we finally had to go to the clinic to find out for sure.

...Of course it all ended up as BFN's (that's Big Fat No in IVF speak)

So hear I am today waiting and hoping for the best for our surrogate and our little embryos. It feels strange being so far away and knowing this is happening. However for me, I think it's a good thing I am far away, due to I would probably just stare at my surrogate all day long if I could. I would also probably try to make her pee on a stick. It's take control freak in me, raising its crazy head.

I know I am in good hands and I just need to wait the next 12 days.  I think I am going to try and refocus and re-energize and I don't know clean out my basement for the next 12 days. Just to keep my mind on anything but the calender!