I want to go home

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End of a Marriage

Hello I guess you all have been wondering where I went and why I have not been active on my blog. Well this is probably going to be my last post due to M William H and I, T Lea C are no longer pursuing Surrogacy.

First I would like to say that Kiran Medical Group was amazing.  Very supportive and understanding. We were not lucky on our second attempt and were in the process on our third attempt... until our life changed.

My husband was having an affair and told me on the 19 of May that his Mistress was pregnant and he longer wanted to be with me. He was going to be a father to her children and will finally get his family that he wanted.

Naturally I was upset, shocked and felt very betrayed. I must say also scared as well due to I am left here in Switzerland without family near by.

We finished that day with him punching me in the face and cracking my jaw...telling me I was nothing but a baron women and how much he hated me.

We started our family dream in India in December, all the while, Matthew was hedging his bets to serve himself of his own goals, regardless of who he hurt. I do feel some what happy to know now, than if we had be successful an innocent child would of had to live in such a deceitful home.

I wish everyone good luck in obtaining their dreams of a family.

Here we go again

Here we go again! Just got word from Anjani that we have just completed another transfer! He said we should have our first test around May 2.

Anjani asked me if I wanted one or two surrogates this time around. My first thought was why not go for 10! Lets get the odds on our side. Of course I did not mention that to Anjani, I do not want to come across as crazy. We stuck with our original choice of one surrogate, so let's hope and keep fingers and toes crossed.

However....

I feel totally different this time around. I am actually not in a mood to count, think or wait. In fact I have been quiet low key for the last couple of weeks. I think there are a number of reasons why I feel this way.

1. Its been four months since we were last in India, and now it seem so far away and out of sight. I have this very disconnected feeling. I assume this is because my role in the whole matter is limited to just waiting. There is nothing physical to do or connect with I guess. I am so on the sidelines cheering for a positive outcome.
2. William took our last failed attempted very hard. He sort of keep it inside, but it did seep out in other ways. I guess considering we have been trying for over 7 years, it will get you down. I also think its different for him that it is for me. I have been lucky to have this blog and I have been able to express myself with like minded people. William however has be kinda quiet about it. He's told a few people but he really likes to keep it in the back of his thoughts. In fact, it was just last week when it all came out... all he can think about is the 7 years of tests and sampling that he has had to endure with no results. In fact he is getting wary of the whole process. He sort of rolled up the last 7 years of angst in our last failed attempt.

But I am going to put a smile on my face, and wait to see what happens!

Getting closer

Got an email from Anjani, and he gave us the news that we are right on track for the next try. It should happen in about a week or two. I am totally looking forward to that and hoping we are lucky this time round!

In the meantime I have been zooming around the Internet looking for interesting articles about Surrogacy.

http://www.empowher.com/reproductive-system/content/rent-womb

I thought this was a good story and I felt it related to me.

http://gaynewsnetwork.com.au/news/news-2/5791-mellbourne-to-host-surrogacy-conference.html

This is great for anyone in Australia. I think all countries should have a conference like this. It would be great to get all the information you need in one place.

http://www.peoplemanagement.co.uk/pm/articles/2012/03/mother-in-surrogacy-case-takes-claim-to-ecj.htm

I thought this was very interesting. William is getting maternity leave if we are successful, so I do not understand why a women would not.

What are your thoughts on these articles?

Hopefully I will have more to say, when we get closer to our time line!

As the Days go By...

Twiddling my thumbs and wishing away April, so that we can get back on track of trying again. I really hate wishing my life away, but I am overly excited to start again. Considering I am all about count downs, I just figured that if we are successful this time, our baby will not be born until 2013.  So no babies for this year…

My biggest wish is to hopefully become a mum before my next birthday, which is at the end of January!

This is just a short blog to touch base and to thank everyone who left me comments with warm wishes and support.  It really made a difference in my life…So Thank You.

First Act, Scence 1...BFN

I am sure you have guessed that it was going to be a no...Due to if it was a yes, I would of posted sooner and been jumping around with joy. I found out on Thursday that the test came back negative. It kind of stopped my day and I kind of wandered around saying I can't believe we fell on the first hurdle! So I guess my glass does have a crack in it!

The timing was awful, due to William was on a business trip, so I had to wait before I could tell him.  He called Friday, and asked, and I told him. He too was really bummed about it as well, of course.

 I also really thought I would of posted a blog on Friday as well, share the news...I totally did not feel like it, in fact I wanted to avoid the whole thing. There is a part of me that gets really tired of explaining the whole thing and what happens next. It's the question of Why? That drives me crazy. William asked me why? My mum asked me why?
Why, does "why" drive me crazy? Probably because it is the first question that pops in your head, you start questioning everything. Do I have the right clinic?, the right donor?, the right surrogate? Sould I have gone for two surrogates? All these things float around your brain, while you try  to move on to other things. Hope again that next time it will work. Stuff like that

I must admit, Anjani was sweet, and showered me in math to make me feel better. It must be hard to be the bearer of lousy news. So now we are preparing for the next try. We have another 30-40 days to get to the point to wait for another two weeks! Yikes, it's enough to drive you crazy. But we are ready for it

Paris and waiting Still!

Just got back from Paris after watching the Rugby game of England vs. France. Happy to say England won! It was great being away and not thinking about time lines, babies, clinics, and everything else that clogs the brain.

I stayed away from the inter-webs, and my email account so that I would not obsessive while in Paris. Which I must say was great to do. It was also nice to re-connect with William and be a normal couple tooling around Paris.

However... I'm back! I was totally hoping I would have had an email in the old account telling me some news, but all I got was amazon trying to sell me stuff instead.

Now is this good news? Bad news? How does one take no news? I am actually going to take  "no news" as good news...Which is a new spin for me, due to I am totally the person who likes to think the glass is half full and my glass also happens to have a crack in it... Okay, I am not that much of a cynic, but its always a good way to try to keep my hopes and fears in check.

Now your probably asking why don't you just email or call Anjani? Well I could and probably should but for some strange reason I want to wait. I want to get that email first. I also told myself that I could wait, and wait, and wait...well, until about Saturday. Then I will make contact. Because by then I know I will feel that it is now bad news and I will need confirmation.

Wishing us all warm luck and good news!